Not quite as I expected
Nothing has been quite as I expected. I expected to be someplace else professionally. I expected to have a very different life. I didn't expect to be on the PTO. I was a teacher that presented to the PTO. I never expected to spend hours everyday preparing mashed, puréed and blenderized meals for my son. If someone has told me that my mother would be disabled I wouldn't have believed you. No, none of this is quite as I expected it to be.
Perhaps it was my preconceptions, that which I envisioned our lives would be like. I don't think it qualifies as a dream, more a figment of my imaginiation. I guess I thought moving would solve all our problems. That having more time would immediately result in the disappearance of Charlie's disability. The reality is that moving is like any weight shift. Causing a new set of muscles to cue, contracting to support the one's frame. New habits have to be learned, some beneficial, some not. Old habits refined, adapted or laid aside.
No, none of this is what I expected at all. It isn't to say it has been all good or bad. It simply happened us moving through it as efficiently as we could with the least amount of friction possible. As I reflect over the past few years, I realize that in the past my priorities have been others' projections of what I thought my life was supposed to be, not my own.
Yes, today my life isn't quite as I expected it to be. I no longer find myself driven to the same professional aspirations. That is not to say I don't miss teaching every single day, I do. I am a teacher. No, these days I find myself aspiring toward much different goals. I aspire to have a family that loves one another. I seek calm and continuity in my house. While I spend countless hours calling insurance companies, consulting with therapists and scheduling medical appointments, my work now is a delicate balance of advocacy and motherhood. Albeit, none of it quite as I expected it would be.
In this unexpected moment of my life, I am so happy to see my children playing together in my daughter's room. I am overjoyed by durable medical appointments that fix my son's wheelchair handle that has been broken for 4 months as we wait for Medicaid to approve the repair. I may not be trailblazing as I once did when I strove to be an educational leader. Yet, I find myself leading in a new way advocating for those without voices, those drifting without services between Early Intervention and Medicare. We speak for those seeking labels and diagnoses while working tirelessly to achieve inchstones.
As we walk this path, a switchback trail of sorts, I cannot help but find hope in our village, our support system. I find sheer bliss in hearing the word "mom" come from his sweet mouth. I am brought to tears by the image of the two of them playing together in their toy kitchen. I know that I am trailblazing, making the world a better place for all children, when I see hardened faces soften as my sweet boy drags his hand along the lockers by which we walk.
No, none of this is quite as I expected it to be, but it is mine. I'll take it, making the best out of it that I can, as any desperate mother would.
Perhaps it was my preconceptions, that which I envisioned our lives would be like. I don't think it qualifies as a dream, more a figment of my imaginiation. I guess I thought moving would solve all our problems. That having more time would immediately result in the disappearance of Charlie's disability. The reality is that moving is like any weight shift. Causing a new set of muscles to cue, contracting to support the one's frame. New habits have to be learned, some beneficial, some not. Old habits refined, adapted or laid aside.No, none of this is what I expected at all. It isn't to say it has been all good or bad. It simply happened us moving through it as efficiently as we could with the least amount of friction possible. As I reflect over the past few years, I realize that in the past my priorities have been others' projections of what I thought my life was supposed to be, not my own.
Yes, today my life isn't quite as I expected it to be. I no longer find myself driven to the same professional aspirations. That is not to say I don't miss teaching every single day, I do. I am a teacher. No, these days I find myself aspiring toward much different goals. I aspire to have a family that loves one another. I seek calm and continuity in my house. While I spend countless hours calling insurance companies, consulting with therapists and scheduling medical appointments, my work now is a delicate balance of advocacy and motherhood. Albeit, none of it quite as I expected it would be.In this unexpected moment of my life, I am so happy to see my children playing together in my daughter's room. I am overjoyed by durable medical appointments that fix my son's wheelchair handle that has been broken for 4 months as we wait for Medicaid to approve the repair. I may not be trailblazing as I once did when I strove to be an educational leader. Yet, I find myself leading in a new way advocating for those without voices, those drifting without services between Early Intervention and Medicare. We speak for those seeking labels and diagnoses while working tirelessly to achieve inchstones.
As we walk this path, a switchback trail of sorts, I cannot help but find hope in our village, our support system. I find sheer bliss in hearing the word "mom" come from his sweet mouth. I am brought to tears by the image of the two of them playing together in their toy kitchen. I know that I am trailblazing, making the world a better place for all children, when I see hardened faces soften as my sweet boy drags his hand along the lockers by which we walk.
No, none of this is quite as I expected it to be, but it is mine. I'll take it, making the best out of it that I can, as any desperate mother would.
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