Sowing seeds of hope

I remember very clearly the day the world closed causing an avalanche of emotions to come crashing down upon me. I remember the anger and bitterness I felt as I thought of being trapped indoors with my children for weeks on end with no reprieve. I became consumed, confined by my fear of inadvertently catching the virus and spreading it to my family, my parents. I piled on anxiety, worry and isolation suffocating myself. 

It was Telehealth that became our first window to the outside world. It gave us a glimpse of normalcy and access to the therapies that Charlie desperately needed. We connected via Zoom feeling less alone as we longed for physical human contact. Our therapy clinic and therapists were amazing "virtually" coming into our home to identify challenges while problem-solving solutions. 

As the weather improved we moved outdoors building planters. As usual we were on our own timeline, months behind the rest of the world. I purchased sunburnt plants withering from being desiccated then inundated by the torrential rains that accompanied the derecho. It was Charlie and I's exposure to a Covid positive intern at therapy that would drive us back indoors. Hiding from all as numbers of positive cases skyrocketed. 

I sat up late at night dialing in to listen to school board meetings. I lost myself buried in worry. I was shackled to my anxiety. I longed to hug my parents yet feared the danger such affection posed. I prayed thanking God for the time with my children. We had been given all the months we had missed during ground zero and the afterschocks. I danced the pandemic paradox oscillating between delusions of paradise and a self-imposed prison constructed by blocks of anxiety and fear. 

As fall arrived so did winds of change bringing with it experience, perseverance and hope. As Charlie began to discover his fine motor fingers and gross motor toes, I rediscovered my leadership legs. They ached from years of disuse. I had forgotten the strength they once held when I was busy climbing, wandering, trailblazing, and switchback trails that need formed. 

Again, it was Zoom that would be my gateway. I began to serve on the Family Advisory of our therapy clinic. Zoom was a portal allowing me to meet weekly with a group of amazing parent and family disability advocates while continuing to meet the needs of my children. These families have taught me so much. Following their example I worked at growing and expanding my network. I wrote to legislators, newspapers and posted on social media. I held my breath as throughout November and December as we watched Covid deaths increase ringing in the New Year slumbering tucked away in bed. 

As the spring approaches a clear pathway to vaccination appears. I realize that I was never buried. Never trapped nor imprisoned. In reality I, like so many other seeds, had been sown. Planted by the chaos, waiting for my time to germinate. I am growing deep roots, learning from the giants that have walked before me. Learning from husbands, brothers, mothers and sisters of necessity that have paved the way making our journey possible.